Since Then or Out of Time
by CaptainK8
Summary: I couldn't decide on which title I wanted, so I used both. Lindsay Willows talks about her regrets about her lack of relationship with Sara. Warning: Character death


**Disclaimers: I don't own anything except for Hannah and the unnamed baby (neither of which I technically own since they truly belong to my Uncle Michael and his late wife Beth).**

**A/N: This is dedicated to my aunt Beth. Rest in peace.**

**This story is a true story. It takes place about four years in the future of the CSI time line. The names have been changed to fit CSI, as well as the part about Sara's childhood abuse was also added into the story. The details about all other events more or less happened exactly the way they are written, but it was actually family holidays and not lab holiday parties at which I would see her. My aunt, who's story this is, died earlier today. I'm still more or less in shock of it all so I apologise for any mistakes that have been made. **

**Also, Lindsay is speaking from my point of view, speaking my real feelings and thoughts that I've had today.**

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Ten years ago, I met her. Her name was Sara. I call her my aunt, although she wasn't really related to me. See, my mom is Catherine Willows. She works as a CSI at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Sara Sidle worked with her. For a while, they didn't get a long very well, but over the years, they became close friends. Sara was married to Gil Grissom, my "Uncle Gil" as I call him. He also works at the lab. 

I don't remember the exact first time I met Sara. It was probably at one of the lab's holiday gatherings for Christmas or something like that about eight years ago. My mom brought me there as her "date". Despite not remembering the exact circumstances of meeting her, I do remember thinking how beautiful she was the first time I saw her. She was tall, maybe 5'9" or something. She had wavy brown hair and dark eyes that just made you want to look through to see into her soul. She also had a huge, friendly smile with a unique gap between her front teeth that somehow added to her friendliness, if that's possible. I remember how nice she always was to me. She never judged me, and always treated me like an adult instead of some stupid kid. I only saw her three or four times a year at similar gatherings, but I wish I had spent the time then to really get to know her at any of those times.

If I had spent the time to talk to her, I might have found out that when she was a child she lived in an abusive hell. Her father would come home drunk and beat her and her mother every day. One day, her mother fought back and stabbed her father to death right in front of Sara. She then went into foster care until she graduated high school and went to Harvard.

Since then, she was a survivor of abuse.

If I had gotten to know her, I would have found out that when she was about my age she had lived through cancer. Sara had pulled through that, and she continued to live a full life despite the fact that her immune system was never the same after that.

Since then, she was a survivor of yet another kind.

Ten years ago, I met her at that lab party.

Since then, she was someone who I knew.

I knew her, I had time then to talk to her, to get to know her, but I didn't. I let this chance pass by without thinking another thought.

After all, I had plenty of time.

Three years ago, she married Gil Grissom. My mom and I were bride's maids at the wedding.

Since then, we were even more like family.

As I was more or less a member of her family by that point, I had another chance to make her part of my life, and to make myself part of hers. Again, I let it go by.

After all, I had plenty of time.

Two years ago, Sara's daughter, my "cousin" Hannah was born.

Since then, she was a mother.

Another opportunity to be more involved with my family was presented to me, but again, I let it pass me by.

After all, I had plenty of time.

Last year, I was seated at the same table as Sara at my mother's wedding to Warrick Brown. We had plenty of time to talk then, but just my luck, I was sick with a stomach virus and, after paying my respects during and just after the ceremony. I didn't bother to talk to anyone at the reception; in fact, I left before it even started.

After all, I had plenty of time.

This past November at the lab's annual Thanksgiving dinner, Sara, Nick, and Hannah came to our house along with the rest of the lab. It was good to see everyone. I've been at college for a while, and coming home for holidays is always fun. Sara talked to me, trying to catch up with what has been going on in my life, but we only talked for a few minutes.

Since then, she was a close friend.

I had yet another opportunity to create a relationship with her, to really get to know her and let her know who I really am, not just what she's heard from my mother and step father. But again, I let it pass me by.

After all, I had plenty of time.

It was that night that I found out the good news that she was pregnant again with her second daughter. I was happy for her, and excited to have another cousin, and I told her that.

I could have called later and offered my congratulations, but I didn't.

After all, I had plenty of time.

Five days ago Sara came down with an ear infection. It wasn't serious and she was given medication.

Since then, she was sick.

Nobody thought much of it. After all, ear infections aren't a big deal, and we get them all the time. I didn't even know she was sick, but if I had, I know I probably wouldn't have had a second thought about it as it was simply an ear infection.

After all, I had plenty of time.

Two days ago, she had gotten worse, much worse, instead of better. Uncle Gil brought her to the hospital where she was diagnosed with Advanced Bacterial Meningitis.

Since then, she was severely ill.

Nobody told me, I hadn't been in their lives enough for them to think of me. It wasn't their fault, it was mine. I hadn't taken the time to interact with them.

After all, I had plenty of time.

A few hours later, she slipped into a coma.

Since then, she was in critical condition.

Within a few hours, her baby was delivered by caesarian section three months prematurely and sent to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, also in critical condition.

Since then, she was a mother for the second time, but sadly, she would never know it.

A few hours later, she was taken in for emergency surgery. What the doctors found was that the meningitis had invaded her brain so severely there was nothing that could be done to save her.

Since then, she was kept alive artificially.

Eight hours ago, despite the life support system working to keep her alive, her body gave up.

Since then, she has taken her place as an angel in heaven.

The moment I heard the news, I realised my time had come and gone. I was out of time. I thought I had all the time in the world. Now I know I was wrong.

Uncle Gil, while grieving for his beloved wife, is holding on to every hope that his newborn daughter will have the strength to pull through. She was past the critical state of gestation when she was born, but from what they say, just barely. Every hour that she stays alive raises her chances of survival. She doesn't have a name yet, but after talking to my mother, I have a feeling her name will be a variation of Sara after her mother. I pray for her every chance I can get to be able to know her. Soon, I plan to make the drive home from school to Desert Palms Hospital to visit the baby and Uncle Gil. I know I won't be able to see the baby any closer than through a thick glass window and the walls of her isolation incubator. I know she will be covered with monitors and tubes. They will make me cry, but this is something I know I have to do.

Since earlier today, Uncle Gil was a widower and a single father raising two young daughters.

I can't change the past, but I can shape the future as they say. From now on, I will try my best to not take each moment for granted, I'll try to be there, and take advantage of every second I have, in every situation that I can.

After all, I have plenty of time. This time, I intend to use all of it and not let any of it pass me by.

Sara is now a collection of memories, stories, photos, videos, and feelings. She is in our hearts, and, thanks to technology, we can see her face anytime we want, but I will never have the opportunity to get to know this amazing woman for myself because I let the chances I had pass me by.

After all, I thought I had plenty of time… but I didn't.

Uncle Gil will never be able to grow old with his beloved wife. Hannah will only have the vague blotches of memories that we retain from early childhood of her mother, and her younger sister, praying she will grow up to be an amazing woman herself, will never even know the love of her mother.

They spent every minute they could with Sara. They spent the time to get to know her, to love her, to know who she really was. They found the time to spend on other people, to let other people into their lives. I never did. They lost someone who meant more to them than anyone else in this universe. I wish I had gotten to know her well enough to feel that kind of loss. Instead, I feel the loss of never having gotten to know who she really was at all.

After all, I thought I had plenty of time.

Now I'm out of time.

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**Please R&R. I did write this rather quickly and any comments on mistakes or just comments on anything will be appreciated!**


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